There's only one heater vent in the whole house and I huddle there in the mornings, at least until I have my first hot flash of the morning. Lately, I swing from hot and sweaty to chilled and shivering and back again over and over and over. Lately, I have a few things I could complain about, but that's not why I'm here tonight.
Tonight I am filled with gratitude for the season. Gratitude and anticipation. Anticipation and relief. Relief and curiosity.
I love this time of year. I didn't always. I used to get really depressed this time of year, just in time for the holidays. But something's shifted, like things do and the change of light, the color of the trees and the shimmering movement of wind through baring branches, death in the garden (tomatoes rotting on their stems, peppers blackening and curling, cracking stems, flowers brown and shriveling),the juiciness of the ripening citrus, the shouting color and creepy squishiness of persimmons, and the last apples with their wrinkles.
I love the early dark, my bones and muscles and guts love the early dark and how it holds me.
I feel it happening, my insides responding to deepening dark, like a secret glee, like the pure, perfect seed buried deep in my belly is rubbing it's little hands together and grinning with excitement about what comes: the deepening of the soul's quiet, the profound rest of the surface movement...all that smiling, all that chatting done with for a bit.
I love the dark like I love the water, the enveloping relief on submersion, on surrender. It's everywhere if you look for it. Today I saw a variation on the "Mystery Spot" bumper sticker. Cut the thing in half and switch nouns and it's a suggestion: "Spot Mystery." The ground is soft. The sap in thick. Late at night, animals grunt and squeak in the compost bin.
And even if I can't sleep, I can give it all away...everything that's ever been given to me, given up into the dark star in the center of the earth. It is indeed the time of year of generosity and gratitude, but this isn't the kind anyone will ever see, not even you, because it's better if you shut your eyes.
Try it. Relax your face. Turn off all the lights. Let it all go.
