Dangers of the Amazon

In the newest "Outside" magazine is a story about a bloke who plans to swim up the Amazon River. I think he's swum the English Channel and now he's bored. The article listed the dangers he's facing in the murky waters of that legendary river. There are the pirhana, of course, and sharks. But what caught my eye was the little fish, the candiru (sometimes referred to as the "willy" fish) that swims into one's urethra on a stream of urine and imbeds itself with barbed fins.
That's it, I thought. That's what's happened to my urethra! I have a fish swum up it.
Actually, not that long ago I had a doctor swum up it with a stick and no real warning of what that might feel like for the week that followed. The nurse handed me a gown, told me to quit my undies and asked if I'd had this procedure before. No, I hadn't. I was totally a lamb. She said, oh she'd had it once and it wasn't so bad. I had no idea how bad so bad could be.
Imagine the fish. I bet it felt about the same.
Now that I've got you this far, I'm sorry to say that this isn't a story about fish. I'm not sure it's about my urethra either. See, I've got this pain and I'm scared about it and I quite like affecting this semi-British accent thing (I've been watching "Foyle's War"), and talking about a fool who's dead set on swimming up the Amazon. It's making me feel a bit better. It's not like I'm wishing the fish on his urethra. I wish him no harm.
What this is all about really happened first about two weeks ago, I figure. I'm not good about keeping track of unpleasantries. I was driving home from downtown...Cedar Street, I think,nearly to the Police Station, in front of Louden Nelson. I had a sudden stabbing pain. In my vagina, I'd say. It made me cry out....like "Aaargh" (they don't have that on the pain scale, unfortunately). I was about to pull the car over when it passed. The next evening it happened again while George and I were watching a movie. I didn't cry out. I didn't want to interrupt the movie, and since I'd just had it the day before, I knew it would go away. But I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. Like that. Ow.
Then it was so long since I'd had that particular pain (distracted by the others) that I forgot to bring it up when I went to the doctor's office a couple of days ago. Then yesterday evening it hit again and I had to get on my hands and knees on the kitchen floor. Now I have to say that I'm not sure it was my vagina. Could be my bladder. Could be anything in that pubic region. Anything that I've got left, I mean.
It felt like I imagined that guy in "Alien" felt, right before the new being burst out his gut. It felt like something was going to split or bust or emerge, new and bright on the kitchen floor. It lasted much longer that time. It didn't feel like it was going to go away without leaving a mark. I took drugs, put on the British cop show and things calmed down. Today there have been mild tremors in the same region.
Okay. These are the things it could be. Really really bad gas. Adhesions from my hysterectomy this time last year. The cancer on my bladder acting up. New cancer in my bowel or anywhere else round there.The cancer in my pubic bone doing a dance on some nerve. The Amazonian fish. I don't know. I WAS in the pet store a couple of days ago buying dead little mice for my snake.
Pain sucks. I can't say I've gotten used to it though it's part of my day to day life. I have adjusted to certain kinds of pain that have been around for more than a year and that the drugs more or less relieve. But new pain: fucked. Did I say fucked?
And this kind of don't-know-when-it's-coming-back kind of pain, this sudden, out of the blue, knock you on your knees kind of pain makes a girl nervous. When is it coming back? Oh, there's a twinge! Is that it? Or is it gas? If I think about it a lot will I make it come back?
This afternoon, there was activity in the same area, but mostly it felt like someone had recently kicked me between the legs, more like pubic bone pain. Tonight, it's more like menstrual cramps, only there's nothing there to be cramping. Oooooo, a mystery. Call Dr. House!!!
Who really wants to know about this?
You do, no?
There was a time when pain like this would most definitely send me to Urgent Care. Now. I don't know. What is anyone going to do? I can already see it. Someone will scratch their head. And order another test.
I think I'll wait and see what bursts forth. It could be interesting. It could be some kind of miracle. Kittens maybe.